Marianne Williamson calls Vogue.

Marianne: Girlfriend, this is Marianne Williamson. From Earth? Put me through to Anna Wintour, please.

Receptionist: Can you tell me what the nature of your call is?

Marianne: Girlfriend, my call has a nature, an ecosystem, a moon that controls its tides, a dragon sitting in the center of it giving its power.

Receptionist: Oh! That Marianne Williamson.

Marianne: Girlfriend, you are correct. I am calling to follow up on the recent Vogue article on female candidates running for president. As you may be aware, I was not included in the article, perhaps because I am not a lawmaker, or perhaps you are threatened by my heart power.

Receptionist: I’m sorry, I really can’t say.

Marianne: Girlfriend, unknot your tongue. Anyway, I need to speak to Anna Wintour about the article and also about my follow-up Instagram post.

Receptionist: You… posted about it on Instagram? And referenced the founders?

Marianne: Girlfriend, I will not be silenced. And the founders would be so pissed about this.

Receptionist: Is this like when you see all of your friends posting Instagram stories from a party you weren’t invited to and so then you post your own Instagram story about how much fun you’re having reconnecting with your spirit?

Marianne: Girlfriend, it is similar and also there is nothing more fun than an evening reconnecting with your spirit.

Receptionist: More fun than a party with, like, everyone you like plus a couple of your Twitter crushes, and maybe an influencer?

Marianne: Girlfriend, a disconnected spirit is a fearsome thing.

Receptionist: Okay, but, like, what if you totally thought you have a chill enough relationship with enough of the people who got invited to the party to at least earn a secondary invite. Or, at worst, a tertiary one.

Marianne: Girlfriend, what is a tertiary invite?

Receptionist: It’s when one of the invitees invites a friend and you meet up with that friend for happy hour and they have to go because they want to get to the party and you say, “What party?” And they say, “It’s just some fun people, an influencer, maybe one of the Queer Eye guys. I’m not sure. Oh! And that Twitter crush you have!” And then you say, “Wow, sounds fun. Wish I could come.” And you friend is like, “Uh, you should come, I guess. It’s whatever.”

Marianne: Girlfriend, “it’s whatever” is not an enthusiastic invitation.

Receptionist: I mean, I know, but some times you have to take what you can get.

Marianne: Girlfriend, no you do not. That is why I am calling you right now. And by you I mean Anna Wintour, star of the Azealia Banks song “Anna Wintour.”

Receptionist: I don’t see the connection.

Marianne: Girlfriend, I am a female candidate running for president. Yes, I am a source of confusion for the entire nation of New Zealand; yes, very often you don’t know what I’m talking about; but I also have millions of fans and followers; I have a love bazooka; and, most importantly, I am also a woman running for president and I would have liked to be in the photo.


Marianne: Girlfriend, are you there?

Receptionist: I’m sorry. I’m just feeling so inspired right now. I am totally going to crash that party.

Marianne: Girlfriend, it is so on!

Receptionist: IT IS SO ON! Okay, I gotta go. It’s in Bushwick so I have to leave now if I want to get there by tomorrow night.

Marianne: Girlfriend? Girlfriend? Hello? Is Anna Wintour coming to the phone or…? Could she comment on my Instagram with a good time to chat? Or even just an emoji? Girlfriend?

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