Okay, so the first thing you need to know is that Jake Gyllenhaal is one of our very best celebrities. Disagree? Grow up! I’m not going to sugarcoat the truth; adults are speaking here! The actor, who famously stands 5-foot, 11-and-a-half inches, max morning height, is 1) very talented, 2) a super zaddy, 3) probably very weird, and 4) game for anything. All four powers combined in a BBC Radio One interview he and pocket snack Tom Holland did while promoting the new film, Spider-man: Many Different Versions of Hotness for You to Consider. During a segment in which listeners call in to voice their unpopular opinions, Jake Gyllenhaal revealed himself as the biggest, hottest, and most enthusiastic Sean Paul fan.
The first two unpopular opinions were about fairly mundane subjects: selfies and some regional conflict about dinner nomenclature. I don’t really have an opinion on either one of those but I would gladly discuss them on-stage or in front of a camera for up to two hours if need be. It’s a public service. Tom and Jake, who have great chemistry, had plenty to say but generally didn’t get too worked up about either of these stances.
All of that came to a screeching halt the minute the third caller got on and said that Sean Paul was massively overrated. “Just hang up on him,” Jake cried out, getting angry in a way that was not un-hot.
Gyllenhaal then proceeds to get totally heated over his love of Sean Paul. He is shifting in his chair, rolling his eyes, throwing his hands up, stammering. This is true stan energy. Put Jake Gyllenhaal at the same frat party as the caller and there’s probably going to be a brawl that destroys the beer pong table. We’ve all seen this happen before.
I am 100 percent here for anyone who loves anything this deeply and holds any opinion this strongly. Jake Gyllenhaal talking about Sean Paul is me talking about Jake Gyllehaal, actually. Also, Tom Holland in the picture below looking at Jake Gyllenhaal is also me looking at Tom Holland and Jake Gyllenhaal. It’s Thirst Inception and I invented it.
Jake is no fair weather Gyllen-Paul, either. He sings along to Sean Paul songs, claps!!!, and at one point looks directly into the camera as if to drive home the point that he is both serious and talking directly to me.
Throughout it all, Tom Holland has been gamely trying to keep up but it clearly a little shewk by the force of Jake’s feelings. Tom Holland has the same expression as Gwyneth Paltrow being told that she was in a movie with Tom Holland.
Jake pushes on, ending the segment by volunteering the name of his favorite Sean Paul song: “The one with Sia.”
Okay, so first of all, “Cheap Thrills” is by Sia, featuring Sean Paul. So, let’s put the respect in the right order here. Second of all This Is Acting is one of the greatest albums of our lifetimes and I will get big mad Jake Gyllenhaal-style to anyone who disagrees. GROW UP!
Anyway, Tom Holland is surprised that Jake likes “Cheap Thrills” which is balderdash because everyone likes “Cheap Thrills.” This comment sparks a moment that I can only describe as having huge Elio-and-Oliver energy.
“Just wouldn’t have pegged you for a ‘Cheap Thrills’ fan,” Holland says.
Jake suddenly puts 5-feet, and 11-and-a-half inches of bass into his voice and replies, “Let’s be honest, who doesn’t like a cheap thrill?”
“Tis true,” Tom Holland says in a way that indicates he has no idea what this means. He follows up by saying, “Why do I keep saying ’tis’?”
Jake’s response, “Bless you, my son.”
Tired: Hot priest from Fleabag
Wired: Jake Gyllenhaal blessing Tom Holland
Do I understand what any of it means? ::Gwyneth Paltrow voice:: No.
Do I need it nonetheless? ::Sean Paul voice:: Bidibang bang!